Fear of the Unknown - Kaitlyn Willing’s Unplanned Pregnancy

The following story is transcribed from the Baby Steps podcast, Unplanned & Untold, and is available to watch on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and Youtube.

Intro: Welcome to Unplanned & Untold. A podcast and dives into the real life unexpected twists of facing an unplanned pregnancy in College. Join us as we listen to the unplanned untold stories of those who have overcome the odds in order to achieve their goals.

 Kaitlyn Willing: Welcome back to Baby Steps podcast Unplanned & Untold. I’m your host Kaitlyn Willing, and today we have a special guest with us, Charlton Jones, the Director of National Marketing. Charlton, how are you? 

Charlton Jones: I am so good Kaitlyn how are you? 

Kaitlyn: I'm doing really well. You know we told our audience that we were going to interview somebody that had an unplanned pregnancy story and we switched gears. Tell us a little bit about the switch up that’s gonna happen on today’s podcast. 

Charlton: Yeah so Kaitlyn, you might and our viewers might think that I would be the person that would be being interviewed but actually we’re really going to switch it up and Kaitlyn is going to be a podcast today and I’m going to conduct the interview for her. 

Kaitlyn: Awesome well they put me in the hot seat y’all this was a little bit unplanned, but like our podcast we roll with the punches. So I’m gonna go ahead and turn the mic over to Charlton today and she is going to walk us through this podcast. 

Charlton: Yeah Kaitlyn, so I know obviously you went to college. Kaitlyn go ahead and tell me about your college experience. What was life like for you when you first started college?

Kaitlyn: So I went to school at Auburn University. I’m not going to lie, I went a little buck wild. You know, I found this new sense of freedom that I feel a lot of college students feel once they fly the coop. So, a lot of my days consisted of going to class during the day, but at night it just was a social party scene. I found myself at frat parties, the bars or just being as social as I could be.

Charlton: Yeah, absolutely. So you had something happen, though that really changed how your college experience for you, what was that? 

Kaitlyn: So, just like you and Michelle. I had an unplanned pregnancy, my junior year of Auburn. It is a hot topic of conversation because not many people have that story, or are willing to talk about that story I should say. Along the years I’ve learned to really embrace that it was a part of my journey, while I was at Auburn, and really took that in turned into a passion. So kind of like you, Charlton, you know experiencing something very unplanned, but able to turn it into something good.

Charlton: Yeah, for sure. So how did you find out that you were pregnant? And what emotions were you experiencing in that moment that you saw that positive pregnancy test? 

Kaitlyn: That is a day I’ll never forget although it is still very fuzzy. I did not even tell my boyfriend that I thought I was pregnant. I was so scared. I didn’t even tell anybody and I had bought a pregnancy test and I remember just being in the bathroom at his house, and not even telling him I was taking the test. Scared to death of what was going to happen next. And so took the test, took the rest of the tests in the box, they all read the exact same thing, positive. I checked the instructions a million and two times like, is this real. Is this really happening, and I ended up telling him like, “this is what’s going on I’m pregnant,” and I just remember kind of being like a deer in the headlights of not knowing what to do.

Charlton: So did you wait a little bit before you told him? I know you initially didn’t want to tell him.

Kaitlyn: I didn’t. You know, I sat in that bathroom and just pondered, like what I was going to say or how I was going to tell him. Just all the emotions and thoughts started running through my mind because I wasn’t sure how he was going to react to it. And, I think that is always a little bit of the scary component when you are talking about females who have had unplanned pregnancies. It’s how is your partner going to react, and what decision are you going to make. Is it going to be a decision you make together, is it going to be something that you feel pressure you have to do. I don’t think you ever really know what you are going to be thinking until you are put in those shoes at that exact moment. 

Charlton: So, what happened with this relationship that you had with him at the time?  Did he want to be involved, did he stick around?

Kaitlyn: Yeah, that’s a really hard one. So we had dated for a couple of years, and he did already have another child so that was kind of a curveball that was already in the situation. He obviously did not want another child. That’s hard to come to terms with especially because, I was so young and I new I had to finish school, but I never really put myself in these shoes. You know when you are making these decisions, and you are living a life up to the fullest, sometimes you don’t think about the consequences, and think about where things may lead, and what you would do if they lead down that road and that was really something that I never thought about until I was put in that situation. So, we ended up going to a clinic and they explained all my options and at that point and time I truly had no clue what route we would g, but he did not want to parent another child. So, he really made it clear that if this was something I wanted then I would be doing it alone. 

Charlton: Wow. So kind of on the opposite side of that, how did your family and your friends respond when you told them that you were pregnant?

Kaitlyn: Just like I said before, when you don’t know how you are going to respond until you are put into that situation, I think that same goes for friends and family,. There is just this factor of shock and telling my family was one of the hardest things, that I chickened out time and time again. I mean, they came to visit me for parents weekend and I thought I was going to tell them then and I chickened out. We even went downtown and everyone was drinking and I even just had water, like water tonic because I didn’t want them to know I wasn’t drinking and I didn’t know what decision I was going to make and chickened out instead of telling them the. I then ended up going home for my grandfathers birthday, and thought I was going to tell my family in person then too and chickened out and thought, “you know, I’ll leave a note on my bed, and that’s the best way to tell my parents.” Not the best way, because every time they called me, I thought they had read the note, but they hadn’t yet, and so the fear and the panic of every time my phone rang my family was calling, it was like, this is it. Eventually they did find the note and they found the ultrasound and I honestly do not remember what I put in to the note. I remember them calling me and as clear as day they just were like, “you don’t have to do this.” “We will help you take care of this situation.” “You have to stay in school and there is no way that you can parent this child and stay in school at the same time. And, I honestly was shocked. I almost felt like I was punched in the gut. I felt that I was really being pushed down a road with a decision that I had not really made for myself at that point, but at 21 years old, you just want to make your family proud. I knew I was coming to Auburn to better myself and get an education and so this was a monkey wrench in my plans. But, after a lot of thought I realized I really wanted to stay in school. And, I really wanted to parent my child. That wasn’t received very well, I think out of fear mostly. There is a lot of fear when you talk about something that is unknown and having a baby in college as a single mom is the epitome of the unknown. So, I can only imagine how scared my family was and how at the time, pressuring me to make a decision that I didn’t want to make was the right thing to do. But, I decided to parent my son and with that being said, all financial support at that point was pulled from me and that was a journey that I was going to have to do completely on my own. 

Charlton: You know Kaitlyn, you mentioned a moment ago and I think you are kind of eluding to this now, but you say that financial support was pulled from you, but you made the statement that “you had to face this alone,” earlier. What was it like knowing that you had no support and what did that look like for you?

Kaitlyn: You never know how strong you are until strong is all you have left to be. I have held on to that quote for so many years now because, you don’t know what your capabilities are until you have no other choice. So, without any financial support, that meant I was living with my sorority sisters at the time and my lease was up and I couldn’t resign the lease because I didn’t have credit, because I was only a junior in college. So, that was a financial hardship of, “great, where am I going to live,” like I have decided I am going to parent, but now I don’t have a place to live. And, how am I going to afford food and all these other things that had been provided for me previously and so what that meant for me was really putting my big girl panties on and making it happen. So, I got a job waiting tables and I would wait tables all night, every night of the week. Then I would go to school during the day and really burn the candles at both ends. I pushed forward so that I was able to provide for myself on my own. 

Charlton: What was it like for you knowing that this was smilingly like this daunting task that you had to face alone?

Kaitlyn: Very isolating I will say. I didn’t know anybody else that had an unplanned pregnancy in college. So it wasn’t like I had a model that I could follow, and someone who had walked this journey before. I am sure that there are many many other women who had done this before me, I just was unaware of them and figuring out how to also balance the social life that I had created while I am pregnant was extremely daunting while balancing school and balancing work. It was a lot, but it taught me so much about grit and what it takes to succeed in life and really has made me into who I am today.

Charlton: That’s so beautiful Kaitlyn. What was it like being this parent while you were still a college student? Can you walk us through that? 

Kaitlyn: Sure, I would say that the most daunting part was before I even had a baby, right. When you are a student-mom, people may not even know that you have a child you can hide that real well, you just blend in with everyone. But you don’t blend in walking around campus 9 months pregnant (Laughter). 

Charlton: You are able to observe it then. 

Kaitlyn: Everybody knows at that point and it was.. the first word that comes to mind is embarrassing. Absolutely embarrassing, because it’s not like you see other women walking around campus pregnant. You just don’t see them. It’s not because people aren’t having sex. It’s not because people aren’t getting pregnant. But it’s because resources are lacking on college campuses and school to help women stay in school and finish their degree. So I used to wear a wedding ring.  You know, I wasn’t married.

Charlton: Oh wow

Kaitlyn: I used to slip on a wedding ring while I walked around campus hoping. I mean it wasn’t real, it was like a band. Hoping that people wouldn’t judge me as much. But, I will tell you this funny story. Eventually, when I got so big I could not fit into my desk. (Laughter)

Charlton: Oh no!

Kaitlyn: (laughter) Like legit, my belly was so big that I had to sit sideways to fit inside of my desk and just turn and complete my assignments that way. Which was so embarrassing and wild that it is just one of those things that you will just never forget as long as you live. 

Charlton: Right, I'm sure. So how did you juggle these responsibilities of now being past pregnancy and being a parent? How did you juggle being a parent and a college student at the same time? 

Kaitlyn: It was so hard. So extremely hard, especially being a single mom and I think that the financial aspect was probably the hardest. Because once I had my son I then had to pay for childcare. And childcare is extremely expensive and so at the time, I had found a daycare who was hiring and I would work the opening shift, super early in the morning, and I would work until I had classes. Then I would go to class, then I would come back, pick Hudson up and bring him home, and figure out how I was going to finish all of the schoolwork and the studying that I had to do and I don’t remember a lot. You know I look back at times when he was little and I don’t remember much of it because I was in survival mode. I was just treading water at this point in time. I was just trying to make ends meet. There were people in the community that definitely stepped up and helped me along the way. You know, they threw me baby showers and would gift me with their old hand me down clothes. What a gift they were at that time because things were expensive and really really hard, but I just learned so much through that journey and my empathy has grown so much for single moms and student-moms in general. 

Charlton: Yeah, and I am sure that you are all the more stronger for it and a better person. But let's now kind of touch on campus organizations and that aspect of it. Were you involved in any organizations on campus and how did they respond once they found out that you were facing an unplanned pregnancy?

Kaitlyn: Yes, so I was in two on campus organizations. One of them being a sorority, like I mentioned before. Greek life was a big part of who I was and all of my friends were in my sorority and so that was a really big aspect of my college life. When I found out I was pregnant I didn't tell many people, but I will tell you this, I knew everyone in the sorority knew when my Facebook blew up with friend requests [laughter]. I knew at that time that somebody had told somebody else, and it had gotten out. All of a sudden I had tons of Facebook requests and they were all girls in my sorority. At that point I knew, everyone knows now. I’m going to have to like really suck it up and deal with what's about to come next.

Charlton: Okay

Kaitlyn: And girls getting pregnant in sororities just didn't happen. Again, I didnt know a single girl that was pregnant on a college campus. Nevertheless, in a sorority. And the sad part about that is that I dont think that they knew what to do with me to be honest. There came a point in time where they had told me I was being kicked out of the sorority because I didnt sign a document on time in which usually that is a fine in a sorority you dont just get kicked out for not signing something. Long story short, I had a meeting with our advisor and she just didnt know how to handle the stigma that our sorority would then face by having a member who had had an unplanned pregnancy. So again, the fear of the unknown. My pregnancy was going to effect my sorority. They acted out of fear as well and luckily I didnt have to completely, you know, leave the sorority. They let me go as an early alum once I found my voice, and fought for at least being able to go early alumni. Just in case, you know in the future, it may come in handy in the for my daughter or something down the road. But, that was really really hard and I was also President of another on campus club, helping people with intellectual disabilities. I was their President for two years. And our advisor as well was not happy. You know, the face of this club on campus had an unplanned pregnancy. She too made some decisions to try to push me out and had talked to parents about how I was not a good leader and how it would look for the club. I am very grateful that those parents in turn, came to me and told me about the conversations with her and told me that they had my back and that they were there to support me. There was love that was shown in that moment, but definitely things have happened that I am still healing from, because you know, sometimes people make decisions when they are scared that they wouldn't have if they had thought a little more clearly. 

Charlton: So it seems like people almost, I mean as far as these campus organizations, had very opposing views for how they needed to respond to your situation and how they acted towards you as a person. That is just so crazy and incredible to me that you’ve made it through all of that and you are on the other side now. But as far as you know, professors go, did you feel like they treated you any differently as a result of your unplanned pregnancy?

Kaitlyn: I think they didnt know what to do with me either. [both chuckle]  I just was this big enigma to everybody. Of like what do we do with this girl? You know, I had professors that were not very flexible in the beginning. I had really bad morning sickness and I had a professor that didnt have children and she wasnt that flexible with me being late or coming in into class. But, I had other professors that were amazing. When I told my first professor I was pregnant, this is really a funny story, they actually sent me to the office of disabilities, [chuckles] Which, I was informed that being pregnant is not a disability. 

Charlton: I was just about to say, I don't think it is a disability, so that is a very interesting choice on their part. [chuckles]

Kaitlyn: Truly, again, I guess people just don't know what to do with me and I found myself bouncing around from office to office of you know I needed help and I eventually landed in a dean's office, with Dr. Susan Hubbard. Honestly, she is my saving grace. When I found out I was pregnant, I stopped going to classes. I had kind of fallen into this dark hole of I’ve lost everything, I dont know what Im going to do. I wasn't talking to my professors. I wasn't communicating anything with any professional staff on campus. So when I decided I was going to push forward and I was going to stay in school, my grades obviously, I had missed a lot and Dr. Hubbard was able to look at my entire situation and really advocate for me. So I ended up taking a medical withdrawal for that semester and my grades were not affected. I don't take that lightly. Because, she really championed me on to finish school. She would email me, message me, ask me, “are you going to class,” “how are you feeling,” “how are you doing,” “do you need help?” She walked alongside of me and I know without a shadow of a doubt that if it wasn't for her, I would not have graduated. 

Charlton: It seems like she really took those small steps to kind of help provide you with support at such a time that you really didn't have much. And thats so incredible of her to be that voice for you and to be your champion as you said.

Kaitlyn: She gets a Christmas card every year. You know, I’ve got to throw that in there. [laughter] She is forever on my Christmas card list. 

Charlton: You remember her and her efforts to help you. [laughter] 

Kaitlyn: one hundred percent

Charlton: So did you face any, you know outside of college, did you face any societal judgment or discrimination as a result of your unplanned pregnancy? 

Kaitlyn: Again, with the embarrassment part, I would say that honestly super embarrassed. And even when it comes to people wanting to celebrate me and throw a baby shower and do the  normal things you would do for any pregnant woman I almost felt guilty. Not being able to except those things and almost punishing myself in a way you don’t deserve nice things for your child. You don’t deserve to be celebrated. This is not something to celebrate. This is against the grain and I had to undo a lot of that thinking when it came to interacting with people who wanted to celebrate me and truly help me.

Charlton: So how did you kind of help cope with those negative emotions of guilts and you know not being able to except help in that regard ? 

Kaitlyn: That that’s a really great question because I don’t I think I’m still hoping to be completely honest [laughter]. Its a process it really is. You know having a baby unplanned out of wedlock as a single mother? It’s so taboo and nobody wants to talk about it. So you almost feel trapped in a way of not being able to express to other people how traumatic it really was just dealing with myself. Nevertheless, the pressures that other people put on you and the stigma that other people put on you, so it is, I honestly would say, a process that getting to talk to other student moms. It’s wild girl when you talk to another student mom it’s like you’ve known them for years. Kind of like how we met.

Charlton: Its that shared experience. 

Kaitlyn: Yes! Its like you get me. You’ve walked through this before and there’s just something super special that only, you know, women who’ve had unplanned pregnancies can identify with each other. 

Charlton: How have you seen this impact your life even after you graduated?

Kaitlyn: A big impact would be Baby Steps [laughter]. Taking something that really could’ve destroyed me and turning it into good. And finding something that was really hard for me to walk through and making sure other women didn’t have to walk through that alone. It gave me purpose for my experience, you know. So I know the listeners, heard Michelle and I talk about how Baby Steps got started. It just was an outlet for this passion that has grown inside of me to see the world to do better for student moms and to see communities, step up and help take care of this population that has been overlooked and forgotten, and underserved for far too long.

Charlton: Kaitlyn, you have obviously had such a positive impact on so many student moms through the Baby Steps organization. So would you say that there are any people that you know other than your professor that helped you? That positively impacted you during your time being in your pregnancy or you know as a student mom? 

Kaitlyn: There are. My number one person I would have to say is my now husband. Whom I met when I was around five months pregnant and he thought I was married because I was pregnant. [laughter]

Charlton: You wore that band! [laughter]

Kaitlyn: Truly, and so he straight up judged me about it thinking I was married. But little did he know I was doing this by myself. And he saw a picture of my son and I in front of Sanford Hall. I mean I was like four days postpartum. I look back and I’m like how are you walking around? [laughter] Being young, being young! I tell you! And so my husband thought I was doing this on my own and he was very intrigued about the story behind it, and he reached out and just DMed me and asked, "Can I bring you a meal?” It was as simple as that. Can I bring you a meal.

Charlton: Take note ladies, you Student-Moms. [laughter]

Kaitlyn: Its as simple as that. I was accepting a meal from an awesome guy. I had actually met him going through some volunteer training so I knew him very surface level. I thought he was really awesome [laughter] and didn’t think much was going to come from that. I mean people will tell you when you find out you’re pregnant that no one‘s gonna want you when you have a baby. As a single mom like one guy is gonna want to take that on. I can’t tell you how many times I heard that, but Will was different and he learned my story and I learned his story and no joke three months later we were married. A year later he adopted my son Hudson and Hudson is all he knows. I mean Hudson knows he’s been adopted by Will but that that’s his dad and it’s been really cool to see how Will’s story is grafted into my story and Hudson’s story. 

Charlton: That's so beautiful, Kaitlyn. Is there anything that you think you would’ve done differently? Is there anything that you would’ve changed?

Kaitlyn: You know, I’ve  thought through this question a lot over the years and I think I don't have any regrets. Like if you could go back in time would you change anything? And my honest answer is no because I did not think I was going to get through it, but it taught me so much about my capabilities as a human. Right, and I go back to that quote “you don’t know how strong you are until strong is the only thing left you have to be.” And I don’t think I would’ve realized my full capabilities as a female had I not been tried in this situation. So I don’t think we would be sitting here right now talking about an organization that is wanting to go nationwide. If it wasn’t for this specific, you know traumatic event that happened to me that gave me a purpose to show the world that we can do better than this. We can stand up for these women who are so isolated and need help and fill in the gaps for her so that she can get her degree and she can move on and live an amazing life. That is totally possible! You know who would’ve thought that I could’ve graduated and started a family. I mean my husband and I have been married for 11 years now. I always know based off of Hudon’s age [laughter]. 11 years and 5 kids later and there is just no way you could’ve told me that that was gonna be my future, the second I saw that positive pregnancy test. I thought all that was gone. I thought there’s no future. There’s no hope. None of those dreams are ever going to happen, and that’s a lie because it did happen and me finding out I was pregnant was a blip on the radar and really only the beginning of my real life starting.

Charlton: I think that a lot of Student-Moms when they receive a positive pregnancy test just like you said. They have this moment of everythings going to change, everything has to change  and they don’t quite know what to do with themselves because all they see is, you know, the sky is falling, the world is ending. They don’t realize that there is something so incredible as far as the bigger picture for your life. On the other side of this life event, everything can change in the best possible. It is so incredible to see that not only have you come out on the other side of it Kaitlyn, but you have this beautiful family and husband to show for it too.

Kaitlyn: Yes, it’s been quite a journey. You know it's a part of Hudson’s story. And I’ve got to show you this picture because this picture keeps me motivated. It usually hangs in my office behind me but I took it down to show y’all today, but it is the day that I you know graduated with Hudson and I mean this, the motivation that this picture. I mean that that young woman I look back and I’m like how did you do it? [chuckles] How did you make it happen? But you did, and here we are now. So you’re right. In the beginning it is terrifying, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Charlton: So, speaking of graduation. Why don’t you take us back to that day that you walked across the stage. Can you just tell us what it was like knowing that you had made this accomplishment that so many people had told you that would not be able to do.

Kaitlyn: Best day of my life, not gonna lie.[laughter]  I tell my husband and it’s funny. I said marrying you was an awesome day. It was so great but the best day of my life  was walking across that stage. [laughter]. I am a firecracker.  I’m a firecracker girl like if you tell me, I can’t do something by golly. Let me let me show you I can, and in that moment it was just such an accumulation of so many emotions showing the world that you can have both your baby and your education you don’t have to choose you can totally do it and your education is something that nobody will ever be able to take away from you. So when you earn that degree you have that accomplishment for the rest of your life and it will help spur you on. It’ll help you have a better future for yourself, for your family. And I couldn’t believe that I had a one year old screaming mommy in the stands cheering me on, and that I had actually accomplished what I had set out to do.

Charlton: Kaitlyn, I have one last question for you. If you can give your younger self, who just found out she’s, looking at the positive pregnancy test and the six others sitting right beside it [both chuckle] any advice what would you tell her?

Kaitlyn: Super simple advice, and it’s you’re stronger than you think you are. I am not a crier. This is wild, but you are so much stronger than the world’s gonna tell you that you can be. And sometimes our life doesn’t look like this pretty little box with a ribbon on it, and it’s all planned out, but sometimes those messes are the beautiful part of our lives, and those unknown chapters really turn into adventures. I would challenge you to embrace it, to take a deep breath, and to know that you can do it and  that and there’s a future waiting on you on the other end.

Charlton: gosh Kaitlyn, that is so inspiring. I am getting chills just hearing you talk about this. Thank you so much for allowing me to be in your spot,  truly and  hear more about your beautiful story. And kind of walk through this with you. I know it’s going to be such an inspiration to so many.

Kaitlyn: Well, I can’t wait to return the favor and put you in the hot seat. [laughter] And thank you so much for being an awesome hostess and switching roles with me. And thank you to  our listeners for tuning in. If you’re wanting to learn more about Baby Steps and to join our movement please visit our website babysteps.org. You can fill out a little form. It’ll pop up with your name and your email address and phone number and we really would love to connect with you and let you know how you can be helping write the stories for these women all over the nation who are waking up every day and finding out they’re pregnant.  They don’t have a baby steps on their campus and so we would love for you to be a part of that story with us and we hope that you will tune back in in  in two weeks with us as we talk to another woman who has experienced an unplanned pregnancy and dive into her journey, and as she has fought her way to the top of the corporate world and living a completely different life, and she ever thought possible. So thank you so much, Charlton and thank you listeners.